Today’s post is from Commander Carl Ellsworth, yet another one of our great eMMissaries who holds the distinction of being a Navy pilot (flying the EA-6B Prowler first and then the EA-18G Growler) as well as a teammate alongside Chevy on their high school football team back home in Columbia, SC. Carl is married to Kristen, a former EA-6B Prowler naval flight officer, and they have two children. This is important to note as he gets into an important and ever timely article about values.

My alarm jolts me awake from a peaceful, yet insufficient slumber. I wake up early – or try to – because it’s the only time I get to myself the whole day. Exhausted, my first thought is about everything that must get accomplished that day and wondering if I’ll have time for it all.
As I am about to take time for a short Bible devotional and coffee, a ‘must’ for starting the day in my book, my 3-year-old son wakes up much earlier than I would prefer. As a result, the rest of the morning is thrown into uncertainty as I prepare my breakfast and lunch, get him something to eat, and get ready for work all while battling through my son’s attempts to sidetrack me – “Don’t go to work. You have to stay here wif me!” “Can I go upstairs?” “I don’t want to get dressed” – Before I know it, I’m leaving for work later than I’d like.
Work is a grind but I try to begin each day optimistic. It’s a very important job and occasionally rewarding, but the truth is it really taxes my time and energy. It seems each day my intent to leave at a reasonable time gets overcome by a last minute tasking from above, the never ending deluge of emails, and the routine work required to get the job done. The clock moves faster as the work period wanes and before I know it, I’m leaving an hour later than planned. I depart my office the opposite of how I began – cynical.
Once home, the dogs and kid clamor for my attention – but wait! I have to prepare dinner! If left alone, I can usually make it pretty quickly. However, that rarely happens with a young one who has anxiously awaited your return all day. As a result, dinner is consumed later than I’d like followed by (maybe) a brief period on the couch before it’s time to get my son ready for bed well after his intended bedtime. Shortly after, my wife and I follow. More often than not, I end each day feeling worn out physically and mentally and with little sense of accomplishment.
Sound familiar to anyone?
Angela Duckworth, author of the book Grit, tells a similar story about starting her day optimistic and excited about what she would accomplish, only to end the day feeling discouraged and falling behind in both work and accomplishing her goals (Duckworth, 2020).
As a leader, I have to wonder how can we effectively can lead others if we ourselves have trouble holding our own lives together?
We all know leaders who have been outwardly successful despite turmoil in their private lives. Take Steve Sarkishian, for example. He had great success coaching the Washington Huskies and USC Trojans yet a battle with alcoholism cost him his job at USC. It was later discovered that many players and coaches knew of his intoxication while performing duties as coach, culminating in a pep rally where he slurred his words in front of a large crowd of students and fans (Tracy, 2015). Luckily, he has sought help for his addiction and is currently the offensive coordinator with one of college football’s juggernauts, the Alabama Crimson Tide. Was he successful? Of course. But how effective was he as a leader, and what kind of example did he set for others?
To truly be an effective leader, it is imperative that we are disciplined enough to manage our own lives. I’ll state the obvious and give the disclaimer: none of us are perfect. Sometimes we have tough days and times to get through. Sometimes we don’t have it all together but we do (or should) have the self-control to deal with whatever life deals us.
Part of that self-control means we must be masters of our own time and use it wisely. We must be DELIBERATE with it.
As with many endeavors, easier said than done. We have so many distractions tugging us in all directions and this doesn’t get easier with time. A change in jobs or a new rank, which brings with it increased responsibilities, can all change the calculus. Even more importantly, family, which is absolutely a top priority, requires a significant time commitment. Children, as many know, change the game and tend not to adhere to any given rules.
My confession: I have trouble balancing it all and often feel like a drained battery at the end of the day with nothing to show for it.
This is where Duckworth comes to the point of her story. After a few months, frustrated at her lack of progress, she started repeating to herself: “I’m a nice person.”
What she was doing was practicing “values affirmation” which is “recognizing, and reinforcing, the personal values you hold most dear.” This is important because values are “your foundation and your compass.” (Duckworth, 2020) So, when it seems like there are too many balls to juggle, I’ve found it incredibly effective to do similar self-reflection and ask, “What do I value most?” This became incredibly important to me while navigating the uncharted waters of life with two chocolate labs, a 3-year-old, and a newborn. My aim was to hopefully cut out all the extra chaff in my life and nail down what I truly needed to do with my limited time.
Taking an index card, I listed what I considered most important in my life. Some immediate thoughts were: family, health, spirituality, and making the world a better place one small step at a time.
After “what do I value most?” I asked “what are some examples of how I live these out?” I identified for each one specific, realistic, and measurable goals to ensure I keep these as a ritual.
For “health”, it is important to me because I not only want to maximize the potential that my body has to perform athletically but to be the best physically so that I will hopefully have more time on this earth with those people I care about. Therefore, I list “Make Health and Fitness a Way of Life” followed in bullet format by “Daily Workouts” as the example and “enter competition by summer 2020” and “10% max increase” and some other benchmarks as the goals.
For “family”, it’s “Family Comes First” followed by “walks”, “mind, body, soul time”, and “husband, father, son…” These are examples and goals some of which are known only to me and I won’t go into but the point is that you make these values, examples, and goals unique to YOU.
As a last example, I highly value my personal time, however short it may be. So “Take Time for Yourself” is lived out by “Morning coffee and devotional”. A good goal might be “Go to bed early enough to enable time for the next morning’s personal time”.
During my morning personal time or before work I review my index card. Interestingly, what I’ve found after doing this for a while is that although my days are still incredibly hectic and I’m tired, I feel so much more accomplished. This is because I know I’m living my life in line with what is most important to me. Doing this has allowed me to cut out chaff of superfluous TV and social media and focus on the life affirming activities that feed my soul. It means I read a book a little at a time, not try to read 3 in one day and then get frustrated when my son interrupts my reading (remember “Family Comes First” is a value!). It means that though it requires my precious time, I take pleasure in making my 3-year-old’s lunch before school because I know he not only needs to eat but it saves my wife, who is caring for our newborn, precious time.
I have eight values on my list that are unlikely to change much over time. What’s more likely to change are the examples of how I live out my values and specific goals. Will I always have a newborn and a 3-year-old? Of course not. They’ll grow up and become more independent and instead I’ll be making sure I am at sporting events and concerts. When I retire my life may not be as hectic as it is now, but that brings a separate set of challenges!
Do I mark off every item each day? Nope. But I have peace of mind knowing that everything I’m doing is a positive step toward my goals and is furthering who I am and want to be. And incredibly, while I’ve found myself DOING less, I feel as though I ACCOMPLISH more! Ultimately, this has put me in a better mindset to serve and lead others.
So go and find yourself an index card…
References:
Duckworth, Angela. “What do you value most?” Received by Carl Ellsworth. 16 February, 2020. Email.
Tracy, Marc. “Steve Sarkisian Is Fired as U.S.C. Football Coach.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 12 Oct. 2015, www.nytimes.com/2015/10/13/sports/ncaafootball/steve-sarkisian-is-fired-as-usc-football-coach.html.
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