Throwback Thursday? Our founders met in June 2002 as New Cadet Perkins and Cadet Sergeant Cook and the mentoring and learning have not stopped.
We’re building a network of people and resources to connect military professionals for development. Have you joined yet? Come for the free self-assessments, but stay for the joy of helping others.
Monday, June 27th, 2002 was a rough day for me and around 1,200 of my classmates at West Point. R-Day at is a crazy and shocking event. It’s the high-stress start of Cadet Basic Training affectionately well-known as “Beast Barracks”. There tends to be a lot of yelling, sensory overload, and confusion.
For me, nearly all of the yelling was coming from Chevy, my partner and co-founder here at Military Mentors. Chevy, previously known as Cadet Sergeant Cook, was my squad leader for the next three weeks. We’re friends now, but you’d have never imagined this outcome back in 2002 between all of the yelling, running, push-ups, and more yelling.
Most people find it pretty crazy when I tell them that I’m close friends with my Beast 1 squad leader and I completely understand why. Most cadets seem to end up having terrible memories of their cadre afterwards. I was cadre at the USMA Prep School at Fort Monmouth and I’m friendly with some of the cadets from then, but we’re still not quite friends. The shock of the experience means that they all remember me with the same mix of emotions that you associate with cadre: anger, fear, and misunderstanding.
Our friendship is not your typical outcome, but Chevy has always been an atypical leader. Our whole squad is still connected thanks to him.
An Unlikely Friendship
Chevy now has multiple degrees in psychology, but when he was my cadre I’m sure that he couldn’t have explained his actions. He just did what seemed right to him which is not what most people do – remember, he’s atypical.
That summer and over the following two years, Chevy did a few things that he certainly had no idea had science-backed support. He just did them because he has a heart of gold and cares about people. First, he followed up with us regularly usually with something just as simple as a brief email update; second, he expressed a genuine interest in each of us.
Chevy’s actions probably do not sound special at all. Even I’d admit that there’s something silly about how simple I described it, but it’s actually a rarity, and this is where the science comes in.
Mentoring Starts with Inclusion
People tend to express less inclusion towards others than they wish to be shown towards them. Essentially, we go through our lives like we’re at a dinner party where we don’t know anyone and are just waiting for someone to say “Hello.” It’s true.
Analysis of thousands of reports from the Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation – Behavior (FIRO-B) assessment shows that most people desire more inclusion than they express towards others. In the military, you can expect that this is even higher due to our emphasis on stoicism, resiliency, and strength.
I’m an extrovert and I like to think of myself as a people person. I would have read the description of Chevy’s email and scoffed at how obvious it is. So, I was surprised when I took the FIRO-B last year and saw my results.
Like most people, I still scored much lower on my levels of expressed inclusion, but received myself as being balanced. I assumed that I was reaching out to others at least as often others reached out to me. Visually seeing the incongruence has stayed with me.
Leading By Example
Unsurprisingly, mentoring in the military is often viewed as the responsibility of the protégé. We’re all busy people, but we think that we’re making ourselves available to others. In a post filled with great advice, our friends at The Military Leader encourage cadets to become more active in their development including reaching out to mentors. The advice is sound, but it leaves out a vital component.
The onus isn’t just on cadets and junior officers. Both mentors and protégés must play important roles in development; each is responsible to the other. Many military members miss out on the benefits of mentoring and development because they are waiting for someone to reach out to them – in both directions.
Chevy created a bridge to each of us just by making a clear effort and showing genuine interest and the subtle difference from our typical day-to-day interaction is important. Just as my description of Chevy might not have sounded special, expressing inclusion is actually a bigger event than we think, but nothing to fret about.
If you’re lucky, it’s just a quick email, but maybe it requires just a bit more. Here a few ways that can get the ball rolling.
Reach back to your last team and follow-up with them. Just like all good leaders, Chevy told us before he left that we could always reach out to him, but what he did differently was the follow-up. When you pass off your unit to the next person, he or she is so consumed in all that’s going on that they can’t even think of the questions to ask. The same happens for the members of that team. Now that some time has passed re-engage.
Create time for priorities. If you’re currently in a leadership position, you’ve certainly got plenty on your plate, so it’s easy to understand why this next option can be hard. We make time for what’s most important and if development is important to you, then make time for it – don’t let it be last minute or ad-hoc. Set it on the calendar in advance and plan for it. Long after his time as my squad leader, Chevy would still go out of his way to drop in on us. I’m not suggesting that you “swoop in” on your subordinates, but recognize the signal that it sends when you make time for someone else. That breaks down major barriers.
Make It About Them: Getting feedback from subordinates makes us better and being a mentor makes us feel important, but that’s secondary. The reason why a quick email can fall flat is because it seems self-serving. When you re-engage express gratitude and praise. Give an update, but focus on asking about them or go even further and offer candor.
People Thrive With Other People
People thrive when supported by other people. Positivity and engaged leadership are force multipliers, but how are we actually putting them to work day-in and day-out?
Chevy and I planned the launch of Military Mentors for May specifically to coincide with the graduation and commissioning of thousands of new leaders, as well as, the thousands of cadets who will head out for summer training. There is no better time to make a push for mentoring than right now. These Ensigns and Second Lieutenants are waiting to be developed and welcomed into the profession of arms and we have a tremendous opportunity in front of us to be mentors for them.
“Start a conversation. Spark a transformation.”