This is our third post from LTC Bernard House (see his others here and here). He was commissioned as a Field Artillery Officer from the University of Arkansas at Pine Bluff where he graduated as a Distinguished Military Graduate and also holds a Master of Arts in Management and Leadership from Websters. LTC House formerly commanded the 3rd Battalion, 6th Field Artillery Regiment at Fort Drum, NY. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Department of Defense or any of its agencies.
A common phrase within the military is: Stay resilient, stay focused and strive to overcome all obstacles. This is an easy statement until you are faced with an incident that makes you lose faith and confidence in yourself.
Imagine serving as a Battalion S3/XO, Brigade S3/XO or Battalion Commander and receiving an adverse OER that removes you from competition for schools, promotion, and command. Imagine successfully completing the School of Advanced Military Studies (SAMS) only to be told you were selected for separation by the Officer Separation Board (OSB). Imagine serving as a Battalion Commander only to find yourself as part of an investigation that results in a General Officer Memorandum of Record (GOMOR) placed in your permanent file thus ending your career and forcing you to retire.
In a split second, years of honorable serve to our nation are overshadowed by one action. The question, how do you deal with this? How do you maintain your composure and sanity when a portion of your life is either put in jeopardy or ended?
Reaction: The initial thought surely is “How did this happen and what did I do wrong?” You are in total disbelief. You feel embarrassed. It is an extremely embarrassing moment when people know you are up for promotion or a particular assignment and you do not receive it. Embarrassment leads to frustration. A prevailing thought is, “I did everything they freaking asked me to do, made so many sacrifices, and they turned their back on me.” Your outlook, actions, and the way you treat people will change. You will withdraw from the public eye and stop interacting with people.
Your frustration turns to anger. You are mad at yourself, your branch, the board members, and others around you. You lash out at others and/or on social media with “inappropriate” posts/memes and comments. You find yourself reviewing promotions, command selection or school selection list and comparing those on it to what you think are your accomplishments. “I know I am better than him/her and they were selected. This is crazy.” This is closely followed by the comment, “Forget it, I am going to do my job, nothing more/nothing less and stay to myself.” You shut down, isolate yourself and do not interact with anyone, including family at times.
Isolation leads to depression. This is a very dangerous state of mind because individuals have committed suicide because of perceived or actual failures. It is imperative that you let friends and family help you during this phase and seek professional help.
Treatment: Asking for professional help (counseling / therapy) is nothing to be ashamed of. I cannot say that enough. You have to accept what has happened, overcome your depression, control your emotions and frustration and start to put your life back together in order to move forward into the future. It is important that you clear your head, gain your sanity and start focusing on what’s next. Where do you go from here?
Candid conversations with mentors and peers are important; however, the most important conversations are with your friends and family, especially if you have friends who have experienced something similar. You will realize at this point that you may have lost mentees, mentors and some of your peers. They will stop communicating with you and some individuals you thought were your friends will turn their back on you. The thing to remember is that it is okay. If people cannot support you through difficult times, you do not need them during the good times. Remove them from your professional / personal life and continue to move forward.
Talk with a therapist. The military invests a lot of money annually in our behavioral health care to ensure our force is mentally fit and able to continue to serve with honor. This type of care is not rank-based. As senior leaders, we always look out for our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Coasties, and Marines. Equally as important is caring for yourself. Do not be embarrassed to seek help. Walk in with pride and talk to someone. Receive the proper treatment and learn ways to overcome what has occurred. Be candid and open with your therapist. Do not hold back. The only way to address the problem is to be honest about the problem and listen. Listen to what your therapist tells you. Check your pride at the door and do what is necessary to better yourself. Take pride that you are still leading from the front and setting the example for your soldiers by showing them there is no shame in seeking help.
As a senior leader, I knew it was the right thing to do but I felt embarrassed. I questioned myself, “How did I reach this point where I felt so helpless?” I had led soldiers in combat, interacted with senior coalition partners and other foreign dignitaries and now I was sitting outside an Army Behavioral Health Clinic trying to gather the courage to walk through the door and ask for help. This is the most difficult task I have done in my career. However, it was necessary and because of the treatment I received, I was able to continue to serve with honor.
Way Forward: Take a step back, look at your career holistically and realistically revise your 5-year plan as you prepare to move forward. Make a feasible, realistic plan and be honest with yourself and know what you can and cannot do. Realize some assignments / positions are off the table. This is nothing to be embarrassed about. There are plenty of other assignments that will fit your profile. You just have to be honest and open in order to capitalize on these opportunities. Putting ideas on paper is not good enough. Contact mentors and your branch manager and turn that paper into action. You have stood still long enough. Push for assignments, schools, and everything else that fits your profile and what you want to do.
Stop feeling like a failure. This is not easy to achieve; however, you have to be happy with your accomplishments and what you still bring to the table. In other words, “Know your worth and be proud of who you are.” Accept and walk your path with pride. Make sure you congratulate your friends/peers who continue to climb the chain. Show no jealousy and continue to serve with dignity and respect.